


Son Of A Bitch

by Baalthaazaar, Sherlockimmy



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Crack, Funny, Impala, M/M, One Shot, Satanic Ritual, animal noises!kink, cross dressing, self lubricating
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-06-21
Updated: 2013-06-21
Packaged: 2017-12-15 17:06:23
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,819
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/851924
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Baalthaazaar/pseuds/Baalthaazaar, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sherlockimmy/pseuds/Sherlockimmy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dean and Sam Winchester find out that angels can self lubricate so they use this knowledge to their advantages.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Son Of A Bitch

"Do not worry, Dean. I self lubricate." says Castiel as his angelic juices leak from his firm bottom.

"Son of a bitch." Dean exclaims.

"But I am not the descendant of a female dog, Dean." Castiel replies with confusion as the liquid is still leaking down his muscular thigh.

* * *

Dean and Cas are now staring at each other intensively. Dean seductively winks at Cas and immediately Cas' face turns into immense shock.

"What did I do?" Dean wonders.

"I accidentally self lubricated." Cas exclaims.

* * *

Dean uses every opportunity he can to get the angel wet because it's too much of an opportunity to pass. One late afternoon, after a very strenuous hunt in Alabama on a nest of Vampires, Dean brushes his hand across Cas' knee as he 'innocentely' reaches over to the back seat to grab a beer. He looks in the rear view mirror. Cas is making _the_ face again. Yeah. He did it again. Dean was awesome. Except he failed to remember something of vital importance and when he discovered the back seat of the impala to be covered in an oily substance he realised his erotic game had back fired on him. Dean feels the oily substance on the back seat of the impala and realises it's going to need a full valet.

"Son of a bitch." Dean yells in pure sexual frustration.

"It tickles." Cas says with his usual emotionless tone. "I'm ticklish Dean. Tickling makes me... lose control of my bodily functions."

* * *

Three hours later, in the motel room, Dean declares himself the winner of a tiresome tickle fight with Castiel.

"We have to do that again some time." Dean suggests.

"Dean, have you seen the covers?" Cas replies. Dean steps out of the bed and looks at the bed covers which are wet with Cas' own special juice. Dean, whilst being very shocked, says "Son of a bitch." Dean makes a mental note to keep a small jar on him at all times for when Cas self lubricates.

* * *

Dean and Sam are in the middle of a hunt in Arizona. Like usual, they have to call Bobby for help.

"This is some freaky hoodoo, Bobby, you've got to figure out how to stop it." Bobby sighs, he spent the whole night flicking through endlesss folklore and has found only one soluion for the boys problem.

"Well... all I gotta say boys is... well. It's weird."

"We're the definition of wierd, Bobby." Sam says out loud to the phone Dean has on speaker phone. "Just tell us." Bobby hesitates for a second, thinking how to explain it the best he can.

"Boys... you need some angel lubricant." Dean's stomach drops and his breathing increases as he tries to prevent a devilish smile from creeping along his face.

"Some... what!?" Sam replies. He turns to look at Dean who shoots him a confused expression.

"Cas, I hope you've got your ears on." Dean prayers.

"Dean... why are you praying to Cas? Wouldn't we at least go to Gabriel or Balthazar?" Sam asks curiously.

"No need, I have a jar." Dean answers.

"A what-?" Sam replies.

"Yeah, fyi Sammy." Dean grins. "Angels... self lubricate. It's freakin' awesome." He says before he strolls out of the room and into the bathroom to attend to his raging boner.

"Son of a bitch." Sam exlaims to the empty room.  The sound of wings appear.

"Hello De- oh wait, it's you Sam." Cas says.

"Yeah Dean has gone in the bathroom... I'm sure he'll 'fill you in' with what's happening here. I'm going to the library." Sam replies.

* * *

Sam sits alone in the library wondering where his life went wrong. Even Dean had someone now. Plus, Sam was kind of annoyed with Dean, why hadn't he told him about the angel lubricating thing?! Was he just trying to hide it from the rest of the world so that he was the only one who could have fun angelic self-jellified sex? Sam wanted in on the fun, but that just depressed him further. Who would want a guy like Sam? Broken, tall, plaid-wearing, extremely attractive, fabulous haired Sam? But little did he know a certain sweet toothed angel was watching his every move... and in the process getting himself too excited and having to change his underwear every 17 minutes.

Sam walked out of the library half an hour later and proceeded to walk down a thin alleyway that was the only way back to the motel. The sweet toothed Gabriel followed behind him. Sam had that funny feeling that he was being followed so he turned around and accidentally headbutted Gabriel.

"Ouch! God sake Gabriel!" Sam shouts.

"That was kinda kinky, it made me self lubricate." Gabriel exclaims. Sam smiles immediately, he has his own self-special-juicing angel.

"Let me just go change and then we'll have vigorous sex against this dirty wall." Gabriel had no reason to take things slow, he knew they both wanted it. "Back in a jiffy, tiger." He winked at Sam before he seemingly disappeared into thin air.

"Oh yeah, just leave me standing here Gabriel, you really know how to treat a lady!" Sam's voice echoes return to him, making him aware of how alone he was.

"Did you just call yourself a lady?" Gabriel's voice comes from behind Sam, making the hunter jump with fright. As he turned to greet his new sexy-times angel, his eyebrows raised to a new record high when he notices Gabriel is wearing a golden latex jump-suit.

"Son of a bitch." Sam drawls exotically.

* * *

Back in the motel, Dean has collected some self-lubricant in a jar for the hoodoo spell but has decided to have his own fun now.

"So Sammy is out at the library, how about a bit of hanky panky?" Dean asks.

"Ok Dean, I'll just be one second." Cas disappears and then immediately reappears, wearing a slutty maids outfit.

"Son of a bitch." Dean shouts with lust.

* * *

 

"Well I'll be dammed." Dean says with effort. He's still sweaty from the kinky dress-up encounter he just had with Castiel. Cas props his elbow up to look at Dean.

"You have already been to hell, Dean. I will not allow for you to be damned again." Dean chuckles.

"Nah, that's not what I mean, Frenchie" Cas wears a confused expression on his face for a second but lets it slip away when he disregards it for one of Dean's usual pet-names.

"Then what did you mean?"

"Well, I didn't 'xpect to have a kink for you in a maids outfit." Dean replies, his speech slightly slurred in his post-coital haze. This sparks an idea in Cas' head and before Dean knows it Cas has left the warmth of the bed only to return seconds later with a pair of fluffy handcuffs.

"Cas, you kinky bastard." Dean nods, approvingly.

"I learnt this from the police man." Cas says seductively as he cuffs his naked angel-liquid covered lover to the headboard. Unfortunately, in the midst of all this excitement, Castiel confuses Dean's wrists with his ankles and actually tied his feet to the bottom of the bed.

"Son of a bitch," Cas growled when he realised.

* * *

Back in the alley, Gabriel and Sam have just finished and are quite a hot mess. 

"Dude, this floor is so cold I might get piles." Sam complains.

"Not with me around, Señor." Gabriel replies. The latex outfit is on the cold, hard ground and they are both completely naked, except from socks, because they're classy.

"Well, you know, I'm so glad that angels self-lubricate."

"As am I, Sam, as am I." Sam stands up and collects his clothes to put them back on when he sees his jeans have a stain where Gabriel's self lubricant is.

"Son of a bitch." Sam moans. After a brief goodbye and promise to see each other again, Sam begins his walk of shame back to the motel room. It's quite a long walk and he hopes the cool air will clear his head but all he can do is keep replaying the sound of Gabriel's animalistic grunts he made in Sam's ear during his soaking wet climax. Sam never expected hearing a sexual partner screaming "moo" at the top of their lungs as they reached their orgasms to be such a turn on. But alas, Sam was now super turned on by cows. Due to this alarming fact he forgot that Dean and Castiel were currently engaged in their own oily activities and walked straight into the motel room to find that he'd accidentally walked into the wrong room and had caught Madonna in the act of a Satanic Ritual.

"Son of a bitch." Madonna cackled at the surprised Sam. Sam then realised he was at a completely wrong motel, maybe it was the "quacks" that Gabriel made during thrusting that was playing on his mind. Sam is never going to look at a duck in the same way. Whilst on the way back he saw a shop window with the weather on a TV so he stopped to look when, all of a sudden, a car smashed into the shop next door. Sam rushed over to the other shop when he saw George Michael at the wheel.

"Son of a bitch." George Michael said with worry.

* * *

Forgetting the handcuff idea, Castiel gets out of the bed and puts his clothes back on and puts the fluffy handcuffs in his trouser pockets, unaware that they are still clearly visable. Dean gets up and puts on a purple robe, complimentary of the motel, and sits on the chair near the table to find that his pie has been eaten.

"Son of a bitch." Dean shouts with anger. Castiel's protective instincts take over. 

"I will get you the pie, Dean." He announces with confidence. Tilting his chin up to make him look like the bamf that he is. This was a mission from god to feed the righteous man his delicious pie. Dean's eyes flicker with amusement. 

"Well... If you're going that far outta town, you might as well pick up some low-fat squirty cream. You know, the one with the green lid, god, Sam likes the purple lid but I always tell him it tastes too..."

"-Yes, fine I will get that too, Dean." Castiel interrupts before Dean becomes too nostalgic and the tension is lost. 

"Aw, my perfect angel... Gettin' me pie." Dean smiles smugly. As Castiel reaches for the doorhandle it is quickly ripped from his grasp as Sam flings open the door, almost hitting Cas' perfectly structured face. 

"You have no idea what just happened to me." Sam bellows. "So get this..." Sam falters as he notices the fluffy handcuffs sticking absuredly out of Castiel's trouser pockets. This time, Sam raises only one eyebrow, but very high and shoots surprised glances at the couple.

"Son of a bitch." All 3 say in unison. 


End file.
